Divide and Conquer

“Good Morning Atlanta! You’re listening to ‘Talk it Out with Dr. Sam’ on Praise 104.5 with the mystery who’s making history as she raises the praises and walks with you through your zany and your rainy days. None other than the renowned Family & Relationship Counselor, Dr. Samantha Breeze,” announced the show’s vivacious Producer, Shay McCall.

Shay skillfully wrapped her words with a rhythmic silkiness, much like an elegant scarf draped around a beautiful woman’s shoulders. She had the gift of drawing listeners in and, more importantly, keeping their attention.  

“Dr. Sam, we have Conquering Carla from Stone Mountain on the line.” Shay loved giving callers’ nicknames, and survey results showed the audience loved them too.

“Hi, Carla. Thanks for calling in. How can I help make your day brighter?”

“Hi, Dr. Sam,” Carla said, clearing her dry throat. “Thanks for taking my call. I’m, uh, a little nervous. I’ve never called before, so where do I start?”

“At the beginning is always a good place, Carla.” Dr. Sam answered warmly as she stretched her wiry body forward, which was her way of leaning into the call.

“Okay,” she took a deep breath, “so my husband and I have been fighting a lot lately about our kids, especially our baby girl, Ariel.”

“I’m listening.”

“God knows I love my child and would do anything for her, but lately that girl has been trying me!”

“How old is Ariel, Carla?” Dr. Sam asked.

“Fourteen going on 40.”

“Ahh, that age.” Dr. Sam said empathetically.

“Yes, that age,” Carla’s engine had warmed up, and her nervousness disappeared. “So, she’s really testing me. She pits us against each other. She’ll ask me if she can go somewhere, and I’ll say ‘No’ because she hasn’t been doing her chores lately without me having to basically harass and stalk her about them. And then she gets serious attitude when I keep reminding her.

“I see,” Dr. Sam gently remarked, nodding her head.

“Then, after I’ve told her, ‘No. You can’t go,’ she’ll go and ask her Daddy, who she has wrapped around, not her finger, but her right hand, left hand, right foot, and left foot.  

“And what does he say?”

“He tells her, ‘Yes,’ she can go.”

“Then we end up yelling, attacking each other, and not speaking for days while she hangs out with her friends, having a good old time. This has happened several times within the past few months, and it’s putting a strain on our marriage. What do I do?”

“Carla, this is the classic Divide and Conquer Strategy kids employ to get what they want. They believe that splitting their parents is the best way to accomplish their goals. Think about it. Did you try to pit your parents against each other when you were a child?”

Carla grinned and relaxed her tawny brown shoulders. “Yeah, I did.”

“And so did I,” Dr. Sam chuckled. “You and your husband need to talk and come to a place where you’re a united front when it comes to the kids. You both love Ariel, and you both want the best for her. But if you don’t put a stop to this, it could destroy your marriage.

“I know. That’s what I try to tell him, but he won’t listen.”

“Do you and your husband have a date night, date lunch, or anything similar to that, where it’s just the two of you?

“Not really. Not anymore.”

“That’s Problem #1. You need to get back to that. Healthy Parenting requires a healthy relationship between the parents. Plan something just for the two of you and talk, away from the house, in a relaxed, neutral setting like a restaurant or bowling alley. You get the idea.”

“We used to love to roller skate together. My husband is really good at it. He knows how to hop, skate backwards, and spin. Well, he used to know how to do all of that.”

“There you go. Have a Skate Date Night. Then, grab something to eat and talk calmly and gently, letting him know how you feel when he undermines your authority with Ariel. Try to reach specific agreements. For example, when she talks to either one of you, say, ‘Did you ask your mother or your father?’ Then both of you will know where the other stands, and you can decide from there. Or tell Ms. Ariel that you’ll discuss it with the other person and follow up with her later.

“I like that, Doc.”

I’m glad. And it’s even better when you and your hubby keep the lines of communication open regularly, so you know what’s going on real-time in your home. That’s one way of keeping the little foxes from spoiling the vine in your family. It’s all about parenting smarter, not harder, whenever possible, Carla,” Dr. Sam said as the sunshine of her big heart spread throughout the studio. “If you’d like to talk more, maybe together with your husband, feel free to contact my office to schedule an appointment.

“Thanks, Dr. Sam. I do feel better, and I’ll definitely be in touch!” Carla exhaled deeply as she lifted her hopeful head to the sky.

“I’m glad, Carla. I’ll be praying for you, sincerely. Have a great one.”

“I already have.”

The End

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